Everyone is not a narcissist
A healing message for empaths
If you’re an empath who’s been deeply wounded by one or more toxic relationships — there can be the natural tendency to be suspicious of everyone who comes along.
It’s a matter of protecting your heart (and possibly your safety, your money and your health) because you just can’t stand to go through that shit again.
So you’re wary. You watch like a hawk, you ask a lot of questions, get triggered by the slightest hint of selfishness or control.
I was teaching a recent workshop when one of the empaths in the room yelled out, ‘90% of all people are narcissists!’
She was hurting deeply, angry at her family for not accepting her way of being, scared to be abandoned so she kept returning to a dynamic she knew was dysfunctional. The push-pull of a codependent attraction cycle can be absolutely exhausting.
I want to clarify something about her statement. First, those who’ve been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) are a very small percentage of the human population. And yes, I’m acknowledging there are those who should be diagnosed, but never will be.
The rest of the billions of human beings are somewhere on a continuum from occasionally self-sacrificing all the way up to sometimes selfish and everything in between.
I believe most people are essentially good.
Sure, anyone can temporarily become self-absorbed and there isn’t one of us who doesn’t occasionally play out some inner wound or exhibits less than loving behavior.
We are human beings, after all.
Actually, everyone has both healthy and unhealthy ‘narcissistic’ tendencies. When we apply for a new job and feel confident we could get hired, we are exhibiting a version of healthy narcissism (pursuing something positive for the benefit of self). The same with asking someone on a date and believing they will say yes. Even when we say no to a friend’s invitation because we’d rather stay home, we’re acting in our own self-interest.
It’s perfectly fine for us to do so. It’s also perfectly fine for others to act in their own self-interest.
Where it crosses into toxicity is when one person uses another person to get what they want. If you find yourself always giving and someone is always taking from you, that’s a surefire path to deep hurt.
‘Win-lose’ or ‘take-give’, depletes the giver, who is often an empath.
‘Win-win’ or ‘give-give’ is what we’re striving for. Within a healthy relationship, ideally both people seek as many wins as possible. One person may choose to give more at a certain point and later the other person chooses to reciprocate.
In a balanced relationship, there is no reason for anyone to ‘keep score’ because both are committed to a give-give dynamic.
So anytime you might be tempted to lump everyone into the same category as the person who hurt you deeply, I invite you to step back for a moment. Notice that you’re triggered, breathe and center yourself.
Ask: is this a one-time occurrence or a pattern of behavior?
Ask: do I really want to judge everyone by the actions of who hurt me before?
Ask: do I want and deserve healthy, loving and reciprocal relationships?
Identifying the characteristics of healthy relationships is one of the core skills covered in my new online course, Perceptive Souls: From Surviving to Thriving, which launches in January 2019.
I’m inviting 100 empaths and highly sensitive people to beta-test this first round. In appreciation for your feedforward to help me ensure the content is spot on, you will receive a reduced course fee.
Sign up here to be notified when the course goes live…
