How Our Wounds Follow Us Forward

Like many in our country, I find myself deeply reflective of the #MeToo disclosures and the recent Senate judiciary hearings.

I think back to the high school I attended in the 80s. Believe me when I say toxic sexual culture was not relegated to just exclusive prep schools. In a small country school attended by a mix of farm kids and small townies, the culture of abuse was alive and well.

Not only did I and other girls have to worry about the football player with the locker two doors down who took the opportunity whenever possible to grab your ass or your breasts, but you had to be on alert for too much attention from some of the male teachers as well. The jocks were the worst offenders, as if being able to put a ball into a hoop then entitled you to take ownership over a young woman’s body, heart and mind.

Slut shaming, rumors, hateful nicknames, stories of ‘exploits’, body judgment and gay bashing were rampant.

Like the day I was walking to class when from behind me I hear two guys in my class debating whether they thought my butt was too big or just the right size for a handful. WTF?

You learn how to fake smile or fake laugh it off, I mean you wouldn’t want to be called a bitch, right?

Who would you tell? I mean, would you expect the administration to punish the star player who brought in the revenue on Friday night?

I see some of those men on FB, every once in a while I pause on their page for a second to see what’s up.

One in particular posts regularly about either his deep faith in God or how grateful he is for his lovely wife. A part of me is glad he’s matured and found his moral center. I also wonder if he ever thinks about the impact his seemingly casual words and actions had on the psyche of the young women he called classmates?

Or the co-worker who sexually harassed me daily for months until finally I summoned the courage to tell my boss. He was reprimanded and lost his supervisory position and the abuse stopped, thank God.

The worst part? The whole company was required to come in at 6AM to watch a video on harassment. I don’t recall any meaningful dialogue afterwards because not one supervisor wanted to touch that subject with a 10-foot pole.

I do recall feeling a deep sense of shame and embarrassment as those around me complained about having to get up so early. I can’t believe we have to learn about this, like abuse was a minor irritant to their day.

Or the side glances from those who somehow found out I was the one who reported. How the male co-workers who used to be friendly would barely talk to me, as if I had some catching disease.

Yeh, it’s called speak-out-about-it-itis.

Or how I suffered silently with physical and verbal abuse in a past marriage. I’m sure I can find someone online who would ask me, why didn’t you tell? Why didn’t you leave?

Unless you’ve been in that situation, you don’t truly understand the complexities, one of which may have been that for most of my life I received the message that women were to place their needs secondary to men’s desires, careers, their feelings and well-being.

If you report, you’ll ruin him.

That same idea was posted online this morning, almost three decades after I graduated.

Or two weeks ago, as I sat alone waiting on my food at a local restaurant, I began to notice a man at a neighboring table crook his finger, in a come hither gesture. He did it over and over until I finally realized he was signaling me. I acknowledged him, then he commanded, ‘come eat with me, I don’t like to eat alone.’

No, hi how are you? Or my name is, what’s yours? Just came with a straight up demand of my time and attention.

As if I had somehow been dropped down from the sky to abate his loneliness. I watched his indignation arise when I politely declined. How dare she! Man, please.

Before I continue, I will unequivocally state that the majority of men that I have interacted with in my life did not act this way. Many were loving and kind and respectful. Thank you for being my friends and my mentors, you meant everything to me, your quiet and gentle presence helped me to trust and believe again. I know many of you did not approve of what you may have witnessed. Perhaps you felt silenced as well.

As the results of the FBI investigation are released, I imagine there will be some people shouting victory! We won! Please understand, nothing about this was anything but a loss for our entire society.

Like Dr. Ford, the majority of victims of sexual and other types of assault will never be able to provide evidence. Because after experiencing a horrendous attack, being in a state of shock, pain, fear and shame, we have decided that the victim needs to be the clear-headed and responsible one.

They need to gather evidence, they need to tell someone right away, even if there is no one they can really trust or they don’t even know if they will be believed.

Even if they are a child and the abuser is in their family, even if the abuser is their boss or their spouse or their doctor or the neighbor next door. Most often, there is no evidence, only one person’s word against another.

This represents a huge loss to humanity when at least 1/3 of all people (women and men) are victimized by abuse in their lifetime. I think the percentage is much greater.

Sometimes the loss is suicide when they just can’t live with the pain any longer, or a lifelong struggle with mental and emotional health. It shows up as dysfunction in future relationships when it’s hard for victims to trust again and the horrific carrying forward of abuse patterns from generation to generation.

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge that many of our behaviors, not just toxicity are influenced by what we observed and were taught by our families of origin. The subtle and not so subtle messages from popular culture. The influence of the values our workplaces, spiritual and other institutions are promoting. The culture we grew up in and are surrounded by.

Most importantly, our own ability to look within, to search our hearts for what is true and right. How we know at a fundamental level what to do and making those empowered and respectful choices.

We must begin to shift these messages at every level of society. We must teach our sons and daughters to respect themselves and how to respect others. How to have courage to speak up when they witness harassment and abuse even if it means going against the crowd.

There is no win here today. However, this does bring to light how much work we still work have to do individually and as a society to create a safe, respectful and abuse-free culture.