I like the tips you provided to help empaths identify when a particular person is not coming from a healthy, loving and reciprocal place. Learning to set healthy boundaries, identifying red flags, becoming comfortable with speaking up and saying no and leaving the situation or relationship are all great tools to practice and use.

I’ve found after working in this field for seven years, that many empaths enter these types of relationships because people who exhibit narcissistic behaviors often remind us of one of our parents or early relationships and so because it feels familiar (which is different than healthy) we come together with them to play out codependency to try to fix what we couldn’t earlier in life.

Empaths tend to be rescuers, people pleasers or echoists because of a lack of sense of self and personal value and a toxic person is looking for someone to prop up their lack of sense of self and value. It’s essentially two people with the same core wound, only exhibiting opposite behaviors.

It’s why I don’t prefer the term vampire, because it sets the empath up as the powerless victim and everyone is out to get us. I’ve seen many a client or student in my workshops who is stuck in that mindset, isolates themself and is extremely paranoid that every person is going to treat them the same. One woman even yelled out, everyone is a narcissist! While in her perspective that felt true, those with NPD are only 3% of the total population.

Everyone exhibits some form of narcissism, some of it healthy, like I believe I deserve to apply for and get hired for this job and some less than healthy. And when we get triggered, feel disrespected, hurt or like our needs aren’t being met, everyone moves further down the selfishness spectrum.

A great book that highlights this is ‘Rethinking Narcissism’ by Dr. Craig Malkin.

Healing and shifting this pattern (of which I personally played out with four different people) first requires compassion for self — that what we learned in childhood or early adulthood was all we knew at the time and once we become aware of what’s happening, we have the power to shift. By going back and taking a square on look at the root relationship and practicing the tools you’ve laid out so well in this article.

Eventually, if possible, healing also may include some type of compassion (from a distance) for the person who hurt us, understanding they were also wounded and playing out what they knew. It doesn’t mean we have to excuse any abusive behavior or that anyone should stay in that type of relationship, but seeing it from a higher perspective allows us to then attract people who are loving, kind and reciprocal.

I hope the term energy vampire begins to fade away, I believe we have a responsibility as teachers and coaches to spread the word about our gifts in a way that empowers rather than creates more fear…