Our love-hate relationship with holding boundaries
After recently observing numerous comments in empath and HSP groups, I believe we can always use a simple reminder of how holding powerful verbal, physical, and energetic boundaries helps us reduce conflict and drama.
There’s a old saying, ‘good fences make good neighbors.’ Let’s imagine I’m a rancher and you’re a farmer. Since there’s no fence between our properties, I decide to let my herds of pigs roam free.
The first place they go?
Straight to the ripening veggies in your garden. Eating and demolishing everything in sight.
Can you imagine the intensity of our conversation as you survey the damage? You’re furious! Why didn’t I keep my animals on my side?
I shrug nonchalantly. We don’t even know where my property ends and yours begins, how am I supposed to know the difference?
This is what happens when you neglect to set healthy boundaries.
Perhaps you don’t want to upset others or you worry if you speak up, the other person will walk away. Maybe this actually happened to you in the past.
Or you received the message that your thoughts, opinions and needs didn’t matter, so you constantly shift and bend yourself to please others.
You might avoid conflict like the plague. As an empath you not only experience your own feelings in those tense moments, but also the other person’s intense emotions.
A double whammy. No thank you!
Yet, when you hesitate to speak firmly about what you need and want, no one realizes when they’ve crossed the line. Step over that threshold too many times, anger and resentment grows until you erupt like a tension volcano.
The relationship often sustains permanent damage and you’ll likely feel incredibly guilty for losing your cool. Around and around the cycle goes.
I heard this analogy recently and it really stuck with me. Imagine you’re a lion and lioness with three newborn cubs. Traveling through the grasslands with your offspring is dangerous because it’s wide open territory. During the journey, your sharp eyesight notices a possible threat 500 yards away.
You’re faced with a decision, you can trot out there and head off a potential problem right away. But you’re afraid to leave your babies alone.
So you wait and the threat comes closer. Now your lion-sized heart beats rapidly, should I go out there and stand my ground? You decide to wait and see what happens, maybe it will just pass on by.
The threat is now right on top of you, only 10 yards away. At this point, it’s all about survival. The only option is to kill.
If you think about your needs, values and ethics like your three lion cubs, you have a responsibility to protect and honor them.
Do you notice when a threat shows up on the horizon and nip it in the bud right then?
Or will you allow that threat to come closer and violate your territory until you have no choice but to use violent communication?
Speaking up about what you need and want can feel pretty scary. Depending on the situation, there may be a lot on the line. Your job or your relationship.
Setting boundaries in a calm, firm, no-nonsense tone takes practice. You might stumble a bit at first, but each time you will get smoother and more confident.
The process might look something like this, please feel free to adjust to fit your particular circumstance:
- State what you need and want in a calm, firm tone, otherwise known as being assertive. For example, ‘I’ve observed when I’m talking, you tend to interrupt me. I’m asking you to wait until I’m done so you can hear my complete thought and I agree to provide you with the same respect.’
- Observe how the other person reacts.
- Do they reflect on what you requested? Or, do they immediately get defensive? (which can be a common human reaction when asked to look at our own behavior). If during the conversation they choose to respect your needs or apologize, kudos! Work through it together.
- If the other person refuses to respect your needs or turns the blame back towards you, it’s a huge red flag! Your opinions and needs matter, you deserve to be heard and respected. You may have to repeat yourself in a calm yet firmer manner, so the other person knows you are serious.
- If they never respect your boundaries, consider if this relationship is in your best interest, especially if you’ve asked multiple times and are still not being heard.
- It’s important to understand your deal breakers. At what point would someone else’s behavior cross a line you just cannot tolerate? Where do you draw the line in the sand?
When someone disrespects your hard and fast boundaries, it may be time to make a plan and walk away. I know, it often hurts like hell to make that decision, but you will suffer more by being out of alignment with what’s best for your life.
Remember, as an empath, you’re a lion or lioness: fierce + loving.
It’s time to embrace both of those qualities within.
In my new online course, Perceptive Souls Thriving, we dive deep into how setting powerful boundaries can lift you out of survival mode, away from changing for everyone else so you can move into thriving. I’m inviting 30 empaths and highly sensitive people to act as beta-testers for this first round. In exchange for your authentic feedforward to help me improve, you will receive a reduced course fee. Register now at PerceptiveSouls.com
